Tuesday, January 05, 2010

A very bad cheese

An Assignment

Please justify the existence of Colby Cheese. Try.

Bad Drivers in My World

Why is it that when people get behind the wheel of a car they immediately feel entitled to assert their imagined right to proceed without pausing for anyone, pedestrians in particular, who happens to be in their path? Two of my children were on the sidewalk, at a corner, about to cross a side street where it intersected with Main St. A huge SUV (why is it always a huge SUV?) wanted to turn right into the path of where my children were trying to cross. It's important to note here that the SUV in question had a red light--a RED LIGHT for which she should have STOPPED--but she thought she was entitled to ignore the red light, turn right, and BEEP and ROLL HER EYES at my children, who were trying to cross the street. People, I've said it before and I'll say it again, THE PEDESTRIAN HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY. Especially when YOU have a red light. Asshole.

Then my brother-in-law had an encounter here in Charlottesville, after mass on Christmas Eve. He was trying to exit his parking space, and the space was really tight due to the--again--giant SUV idling in front of him. So the SUV guy sticks his head out of his window and says to my brother-in-law, "I hope you have good insurance," and then went on to say he was going to be there for a while because he was about to load a bunch of 85 year-old ladies into his SUV. My BIL politely asked him if he could move up, just a few inches--there was room for him to do this-- so that he could get out and the man said smugly, "Patience is next to godliness." OH-my freaking God, if that is not TYPICAL of Charlottesville. This attitude of, "I need to do something, and if it inconveniences anyone, that is THEIR problem for not being patient and zen enough and everybody in the world must wait for ME." In the end, the 85 year old ladies took forever to make an appearance and get loaded into the SUV which was parked in such a way that not only could my BIL not escape, but traffic on the street was impeded as well. But let's all be *patient* despite the fact that this man could have moved his car up 6 inches, his little old ladies would still have been able to get in the car and other drivers would have been able to move.

Someone needs to take the all caps button away from me.

Hated Household Chores

Surely the worst household chore of all is taking down the Christmas tree. It's depressing, it's messy, it involves wrapping innumerable fragile baubles in ever more degraded shreds of tissue paper and it requires a trip to an unpleasant part of the house: basement, attic, or in my case, the very back of the cupboard under the stairs. We keep talking about hiring a carpenter to cut a cute little door in the wall so we can access the back end of the cupboard from the side and not have to dig all the way through it from the front, but that's one of those things that's nice to talk about but never happens. Then there's the problem of getting the tree out of the stand. Every year, when we set up our Christmas tree, the tree wobbles, no matter how tightly we screw it into the stand. Yet, by the time we take the tree down, it has somehow become one with the stand and no amount of tugging or loosening the screws will budge the tree, so I will be forced to walk it out of the house, still in the stand, while water slops everywhere. Later, Jon will have to saw the tree out of the stand, and he will drop the Christmas tree stand on the back porch, where it will be ignored until, oh, September, when I will say, "Faugh! I can't believe no one bothered to put the Christmas tree stand away," and I will carry it to the basement, only to repeat the whole process three months later.

If I could invent a machine that sucks the old water out of Christmas tree stands, before you attempt to take the tree out of the stand, I would be a rich woman. And don't say "shopvac." I'm envisioning something small and cute, that's painted red and green and stocked on the shelves with Christmas supplies for maximum retail potential.

Did you find a raison 'etre for colby cheese yet? I didn't think so.

7 comments:

  1. I came out of a bakery last week to find a GIANT SUV had parked so close to my car that he had bent *his* passenger side mirror. My mirror was unmoved, but it meant it had been hit and scraped. I couldn't get into the driver's side of my car and had to climb through the passenger side. The kicker: the SUV driver was parked on an OPEN END spot in the parking lot - open acreage on the other side of his car, but he had to cram up against mine!?!

    Will get back to you on the Colby... or not.

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  2. I love a good colby. Reminds me of my childhood. I'm a good midwestern good, so I have to love colby, longhorn or not. IY sells a tasty little midwestern colby. It's mild and smooth and goes melty quite well.

    I'm choose to wax on about colby rather than start ranting about the @*#$*# drivers in this town.

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  3. Is colby that mottled yellow/white stuff? Or is that colby jack? The coloring always disturbs me.

    I would have been tempted to go Towanda on that "Patience" guy's SUV-driving ass.

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  4. I don't think I've ever bought colby in my life! But I have seen enough evil drivers--and YES! In SUVs or sports cars EVERY SINGLE TIME! That man should've been arrested! As for the stoplight lady, I'd have walked up to her and explained what a douche bag she was. But I'm crabby like that.
    I put our tree stand atop an old plastic tablecloth and drag it to the door with tree atop it. Then at the door, I tip the whole works outside and any water slushing out is either outside or on the old tablecloth which I then shake and wipe down. But the worst part of taking down our tree? Picking off all that damn tinsel!

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  5. I hate SUV drivers who feel that they must back into their parking spots, holding everyone up as they do the extensive maneuvering required for this, so they can have the convenience of pulling out forward later. I also hate that I can never find my car in parking lots because it is invariably sandwiched between two giant SUVs.

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  6. colby cheese? Dog training!

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  7. I have no feelings about Colby cheese. I guess I've failed the assignment.

    SUVs don't have to be considerate of others. They're bigger than everyone else. Duh.

    I also hate taking down the Christmas tree. Hate hate hate hate hate it. And we have a fake tree, so I don't even have to bother with a water stand thingy. I just hate dealing with all those dumb ornaments (which I like just fine when I'm hanging them up). My tree is still up as I type this. I keep hoping someone else will take it down for me, though I can't imagine who that would be.

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