Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Schmonion

New Orleans—A BP spokesperson announced yesterday that the oil company is turning to the works of L. Frank Baum for inspiration in containing the oil spewing from an undersea well in the Gulf of Mexico. "We've found some great ideas in Glinda of Oz," says Chris P. Lettuce of BP. In that story, an impregnable glass dome can be raised and lowered from the bottom of a lake. BP is attempting to construct a similar dome that could contain the oil. Another Baum tale with possibilities is Tik Tok of Oz. The chapter titled "A Terrible Tumble Through a Tube" describes a magic tube that transports people and objects from one side of the earth to the other. "BP could make use of that technology," says Lettuce. "The oil could be swiftly and harmlessly deposited on the other side of the earth for some other nation to deal with." A final inspiration comes from Ozma of Oz in which the girl ruler of Oz steals a magic belt from the wicked Nome King which gives her the ability to make all her wishes come true. "Our engineers are working on it, " says Lettuce.

Most recently, BP announced plans to suck the oil out of the well using a mile-long tube. "That was my eight-year old son's idea," admits Lettuce. In its quest to contain the leak, BP is mining other works of fantasy and science fiction for ideas and, according to their spokesperson, has staff members reading the works of J. R. R. Tolkein, Isaac Asimov, Robert Heinlein, Anne McCaffrey and the Brothers Grimm. When asked what would happen if the fairy tales produced no useful ideas, Lettuce said simply, "We're fucked."


  1. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

  2. This cracks me up. It shouldn't, but it does.

  3. Heh heh.

    WV: splizoo. That's the most awesome WV I've ever had and I just had to share.