Thursday, July 15, 2010

Really, St. Louis? Attack of the Cheeburger.

I've always claimed to hate flying, but I realized that actually, I love to fly. I'm afraid to fly, but I still love it. I love airports too. You'd think I'd hate them, since when I was a kid, my dad's idea of a stimulating Sunday afternoon for the kids was to take us to the airport to watch the planes land and take off. Those were innocent times, when you could walk almost as far as the gate without anyone bothering their heads about you. Now-- well, we all know what airport security is like now. I would say the nadir of my airport security experiences was last year at the Philadelphia airport when a TSA man yelled at Miss G and called her a "retard"--yes, he really used the word retard--because she fumbled a bit going through the security line. Keep in mind, she was thirteen years old at the time. The same man unleashed a fury of sarcasm on sixteen year old Drama Queen because she paused a fraction of a second before pushing her suitcase all the way onto the conveyor belt.

When we flew out of Richmond last week we all got scanned or x-rayed or whatever that controversial body viewing technology is that people are up in arms about. I am worried about whether we were all exposed to a ton of radiation, but the thought of my body being viewed by a random security guard doesn't bother me too much, although after I passed through the scanner in Richmond, the TSA guy called me "babe." I considered being offended, but since he was good looking and had a friendly, rather than leering facial expression, I decided to let it slide. I'd much rather myself be called "babe" than one of my kids be called "retard."

This was our first experience with the Richmond airport, which I found to be generally clean and very friendly, although the "Cheeburger Cheeburger" restaurant there served us our worst meal ever, easily stealing that dubious honor from the Chinese restaurant in Rome where we suspect we were fed fried cat. The hamburgers appeared to have been cooked and assembled somewhere else--Duluth, Minnesota, perhaps--and then shipped to Richmond to await the microwave. And no, I didn't forget the 's' when writing the restaurant's name. It really is called Cheeburger, and we wondered if a "cheeburger" is supposed to be cold, as opposed to a "cheeseburger." The fries were literally inedible and made from potatoes that were apparently harvested in 1895. What is truly astonishing is that 29 US cities have voted the cheeburger their best burger. I had to know what cities these could be, as they might provide material for future scientific research about people who are completely ignorant about food. Two of them are Frazer, Pennsylvania and St. Louis, Missouri. Knowing what I do about Pennsylvania, I'm not too surprised, but St. Louis? Really? Explain yourselves!

Then I found this hilarious video rant about Cheeburger which, as my good deed for the day, I am sharing with you all.

Josh Rants: CheeBurger CheeBurger from Ozersky.TV on Vimeo.


  1. Ha! Never heard of Cheeburger Cheeburger. Guess I haven't visited the right airports. And I totally would have taken your word for it, but I'm really glad that guy made a video!!

  2. Retard? Really?

    I'm slightly ashamed to admit there are days when I would kill to be called "babe" by a good looking, non-leering, friendly sort of guy. You've obviously still got it.

    The description of that cheeburger, while amusing, has made me physically ill. I would be more concerned about that than the radiation.

  3. The Applebee's (I think) was kind enough to let us sit by the big windows at RIC one morning when Ronan wanted to see the planes take off. We have food allergies and can't touch their food, so just ordered tea, coffee, and juice. It was the worst coffee I have ever had the displeasure of tasting. Seriously, it was abysmally horrid. It was worse than gas station coffee I once got at some random convenience store/gas station somewhere north of Lynchburg when I couldn't figure out how to get from old 29 to newer 29 to new 29. And I thought that was bad (super ultra boosted coffee! from a machine! how bad could it be with real cream and sugar? well, not as bad as that applebee's or whatever, but it held the title for several years).

    I miss the days of observation towers/decks.

  4. That was hilarious!
    I'd have punched anyone berating my kid at an airport. And gotten kicked out, probably.

  5. Thought you'd not-really enjoy this: