Monday, August 08, 2011

Make airport security fun! (Or fun to watch.)

And now I am going to bore the shit out of everybody, daily, because I am all alone up here in Wisconsin, with nothing to do because the town I'm staying in is a good 30 minutes from the fun part of Madison, there isn't a bus that will take me there on a Sunday, and taking a cab that far would cost a lot more than I am willing to spend. 

So back to O'Hare, where my flight was delayed and delayed and delayed some more.  As were many other flights, and the gate agents were going crazy trying to control the press of people.  At one point, a much-delayed flight to Flint, Michigan was taking off at nearly the same time as a different flight to Flint, from the same gate.  The gate agent was screaming into her microphone, "Attention!  There are TWO FLIGHTS TO FLINT.  TWO FLIGHTS TO FLINT!"  And if you don't see why that's funny, scream "flights to Flint" out loud five times fast into a microphone.  Everyone around me was laughing.  Except for the people from Flint, who were treated to a random gate-side luggage search, courtesy of the TSA, like a terrorist would ever seriously target a flight to Flint, Michigan.  But of course these searches are "random."  Several TSA agents arrived before the Flint flights boarded and stalked menacingly through the seating area, eyeballing us and our bags as if they expected to find a bomb-making clinic.  They were all wearing blue latex gloves

OK, TSA agents, there are three reasons why you should not walk around wearing your latex gloves.
  1. It makes you look like idiots.
  2. It makes you look really, really sinister.
  3. It's gross.
Sinister, idiotic and gross.  Is that the image we are looking for? And could someone  do something about the TSA uniforms?  Rumpled blue short-sleeved shirts and high waisted mom chinos?  Really?  Is our national security not worth a more dignified uniform?  Work with me, people. Valentino, for crying out loud, designed the uniforms for the carabinieri.  And Italian airport security guards look pretty sharp too.  I don't remember the exact uniform, but I do recall navy pants with white belts.  Italian men love white belts.  And they look hot in them.

Wouldn't we respond better if our TSA guys looked like that?  Maybe if they weren't dressed like mall cops, they wouldn't behave like mall cops.  I'm seeing a future Project Runway challenge.  Remember the one where they had to redesign the mail carriers' uniforms?  That's one of my favorite episodes.  Tim?  Heidi? Michael?  Nina?  Please can we have fashion forward TSA agents? Or at the very least can they wear long sleeves?  They could roll them up if they're that concerned about passenger cooties.


  1. It's also a bit worrying that most of these guys (and gals) are on minimum wage, and most (from what I've observed) have an IQ lower than their wage per hour.

    Come on down to sunny NZ, where the most we have to worry about is the increased dairy fat content of our ice cream.

  2. NZ is hot among my acquaintance. We're all Flight of the Conchords fans, plus I know a nurse who lived down there for a year to work, and another one who's going through the process of being accepted as a nurse in New Zealand. I considered doing that myself, but now I'm getting away from patient care.