Wednesday, October 26, 2011

For Gentlemen: a cautionary tale

Last night, we had guests visiting from Wisconsin, and after dinner, as we were talking--I was mid-sentence, actually--Jon blurted out urgently (and somewhat rudely), "Patience, I may have burned a hole through your car seat."  We stared at him and I was having furious thoughts about cigarette burns in the upholstery of my new car.  He revealed to us that the entire crotch of his pants was burned away, something he had apparently just noticed.

How did this happen?  His motorcycle battery was dead--again with the motorcycle--so he'd removed it from the bike and driven it to a mechanic to have it looked at.  Worried that acid would slosh out of the battery, he stabilized it by holding it between his thighs for the drive to the mechanic.  A motorcycle battery, in case you didn't know, is almost identical to a car battery.  My car is a stick shift, so he was gripping a great big battery between his thighs while also managing clutch, gas, and brake pedals.  A healthy dose of battery acid to the crotch might be considered a harsh punishment for his good intentions, but it could have been worse.  As Jon noted, "Thank God I was wearing underwear." 

He walked around for hours, oblivious to the giant hole in his pants--indeed sat through our appointment with the marriage counselor like this.  My car seat is miraculously intact.

One good thing is that he was wearing a pair of pants I particularly hate which are now destroyed.  They're green military pants with cargo pockets.  They used to have ridiculous straps hanging off the the legs, but I made Jon cut them off, pointing out that all they were going to accomplish was to get him stuck in elevator doors and that as an urban professional when did he ever need to suspend items from his pants legs.  It is the heavy-duty nature of the pants' fabric that saved his balls, so I suppose they served their purpose in the end.

14 comments:

  1. I seriously cannot fathom how he did not do serious damage to his unmentionables, but since he's your husband and not mine, I'm not going to spend a lot of time pondering his crotch.

    I'm glad your car seat is okay.

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  2. You really have to wonder what people are thinking sometimes... said the woman who left the burner on under an empty pan while we ate a leisurely dinner last night.

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  3. You has a beautifull blog. I'm interesting to stop here today. Remember, dont forget to visit and gives us your comment into my blog. Thanks for share.

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  4. Funny stuff, but I'm going to get all preachy. People who have a lot of accidents, especially fire related, end up dead. Stop the blog (which will add to his embarrassments)stop the drinking and drugs, and start looking for some kind of higher power. (the higher self is patient, he/she knows that there are over 700 religions to choose from)...Sorry it's not easy, but we're sent to warn our neighbors also.

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  5. Oh, I don't know -- with 700 religions to choose from, surely there are at least a few that encourage drinking, drugging, and blogging.

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  6. I wish I could click a like button on Elizabeth M's comment. :-)

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  7. Thanks Elizabeth and Jen.

    Anonymous: Drugs, really? It's pretty shitty to comment anonymously with an accusation of drug use. There were no drugs or alcohol involved in this incident. If you don't like my blog, don't read it.

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  8. Oh my goodness! Battery acid to the crotch--that's so funny yet frightening. Thank goodness it culled a pair of nasty pants and not a pair of nice ones!
    My hubby would also walk around a full day with a hole in his pants and never notice, for what that's worth.

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  9. I feel I shouldn't laugh --but really, to have someone blurt that out, sitting around in crotch-less pants, is too funny!

    The comments are pretty funny too :-) These things definitely need a "like" button for comments.

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  10. Hey Anonymous, people who *don't* have a lot of accidents also end up dead. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here and say that we all end up dead. Imagine that!

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  11. As a bloke, I have only one thing to say:
    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

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  12. This post is the best thing I've read all week. Thank you.

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  13. hilarious and scary in equal measure.......a close call!!

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  14. At the anonymous rude person: Please stop, you sound ignorant. You say that this blog will embarrass him, but you are embarrassing yourself by saying such an arrogant comment. Don't read the blog if you don't like it or don't agree with it. Loser.

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