Monday, November 03, 2014

Some Incidents of Late

At the gym yesterday, the most appalling movie was playing on the TV that faced my elliptical machine.  It was about this deranged teacher who HAD SEX WITH HER STUDENTS and had a baby with one of them, that was taken away, so she  STOLE A BABY and shot the baby's mother.  The remote was somewhere, but I was too much into a zone to get off the elliptical and find it, so I had no choice but to watch this deranged lady, who stole not just any baby but a SICK BABY THAT NEEDED HIS MEDICINE.  At one point, a woman came into the gym and stared hard at the deranged baby-stealing lady movie and I stared hard at the back of her head, willing her to find the remote and change the channel to one of the usual soothing Sunday morning shows like Househunters, but then she shrugged and got onto a treadmill and I noticed she selected a nature show for the tiny screen on her treadmill.  THANKS LADY.  But I had the satisfaction of watching the deranged baby-stealer get shot by the cops and do some fake-looking "oh-I've-been-shot" body spasms before crumpling to the ground.  Even with closed captioning, you could tell the acting was terrible.

At the deli counter at Whole Foods, a woman was trying to select a cheese.  She had many, many questions about the cheese she was considering, which she related to the deli counter personnel, who answered them patiently. There was only one person working the deli counter.  Then there was the cheese-buying lady, a man whose turn was next, and me.  The cheese-buying lady was oblivious.  It was very, very important that she be as fully informed as possible about this cheese she was considering.  At one point, she and the deli person left the deli counter and walked to a different part of the store. To look at wine?  Crackers?  Who the fuck knows.  The man whose turn was next was visibly irritated.  This pleased me because sometimes I worry that I am just a sourpuss and that everybody else is perfectly content to let self-absorbed people like the cheese lady take full, full advantage of the services of the hapless people at the Whole Foods deli counter.  Everybody else in the world is thinking, "Take your time; I'm in no hurry," while I'm inwardly screaming, "It's CHEESE.  This is a SUPERMARKET. Get OVER yourself."  So the two ladies came back from wherever they had gone and the cheese was purchased and the irritated man got to place his order.  But then the self-absorbed cheese-buying lady returned and interrupted the irritated man's transaction.  (He groaned audibly. He actually groaned.  Thank you, irritated man, for restoring my faith in humanity.)  The self-absorbed lady wanted to thank the deli person because she was so very pleased and certain that she had made the right decision in choosing this cheese, of all cheeses.  CONGRATULATIONS.

I have been trying so hard not to spend money, and I really haven't bought much beyond basic necessities for the past few months.  But now it is time to start Christmas shopping and I am TERRIBLE at Christmas shopping, because I will go into shops and become bewitched by the clever displays that practically force you to buy things and I will buy lots of things, thinking they are awesome gifts and then I will get home and realize THESE PRESENTS SUCK and I will have to go out and buy MORE things.  So yesterday, I started Christmas shopping.  I went to one of those downtown shops that sell nothing but useless items.  I was browsing among the hideous jewelry and tchotchkes when I saw a SOLAR POWERED POPE.  And I could immediately think of twenty people who need a solar powered pope.  A solar-powered pope is a GODDAMNED NECESSITY.  You see?  Marketing.



12 comments:

  1. I think I was behind that cheese lady at the CVS pharmacy, but in my case a guy who was fed up finally shouted, "Lady, COME ON!" and then another fed up customer asked if she should just walk to the drive-through for faster service.

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  2. Self-absorbed people like that drive me nuts.

    I'm not even Catholic and I can think of plenty of uses for a solar powered pope.

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    1. I would put him next to my door and whenever the roving evangelicals knock on the door I would ask if they want to meet my solar pope.

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  3. Two years ago, the Cheese Lady could have been my mother-in-law, except it would have been turkey instead of cheese. She would have insisted on having a sample of each kind. And then after 15 minutes of that, she would have bought 1 slice.

    Does the solar-powered Pope sing? Because I might want that.

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  4. When my husband and I encounter people like Cheese Lady we look at each other and say (out loud) "Well, you know, some people just think they're really special".

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  5. I totally need that pope.

    While at Barracks Road Kroger yesterday, I rounded a corner to see a friend, while grabbing a case of bottled water, had toppled over the end of the row display. I walked up and loudly said "What did you do this time" much to the dismay of the other shoppers. I'm pretty sure they all went home with the tale of the crazy lady at kroger.

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    1. Patience snuck up on me at the grocery store and I gave her such a bitch face before I realized I knew her.

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  6. So ... women who have sex with minors and then steal babies suck, as do self-absorbed cheese buyers, but a solar powered Pope saves the day! Only in the Blogosphere. Also, I must, and I mean MUST, have a solar powered Pope.

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  7. I'm afraid that my mother was the cheese lady at WF, but that would have been on the other side of the country and at least 3.5 years ago.
    Please tell me you read Mrs. G's post about working at the WF deli counter. It will give you compassion for that poor woman trying to keep everyone happy.

    Hmmm... now who do I know who needs a solar pope?

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    1. I'm not blaming the lady who sells the cheese...she was just doing her job. The woman buying the cheese should have realized that other people were waiting and also should have realized that if only one person is working the counter, she doesn't have time to spend fifteen minutes with each customer.

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  8. ARGH! I HATE the clueless, tone-deaf people! Which is incidentally why I am getting weary of Facebook...
    I wish I could hire someone to Christmas shop for me.

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