At the gym yesterday, the most appalling movie was playing on the TV that faced my elliptical machine. It was about this deranged teacher who HAD SEX WITH HER STUDENTS and had a baby with one of them, that was taken away, so she STOLE A BABY and shot the baby's mother. The remote was somewhere, but I was too much into a zone to get off the elliptical and find it, so I had no choice but to watch this deranged lady, who stole not just any baby but a SICK BABY THAT NEEDED HIS MEDICINE. At one point, a woman came into the gym and stared hard at the deranged baby-stealing lady movie and I stared hard at the back of her head, willing her to find the remote and change the channel to one of the usual soothing Sunday morning shows like Househunters, but then she shrugged and got onto a treadmill and I noticed she selected a nature show for the tiny screen on her treadmill. THANKS LADY. But I had the satisfaction of watching the deranged baby-stealer get shot by the cops and do some fake-looking "oh-I've-been-shot" body spasms before crumpling to the ground. Even with closed captioning, you could tell the acting was terrible.
At the deli counter at Whole Foods, a woman was trying to select a cheese. She had many, many questions about the cheese she was considering, which she related to the deli counter personnel, who answered them patiently. There was only one person working the deli counter. Then there was the cheese-buying lady, a man whose turn was next, and me. The cheese-buying lady was oblivious. It was very, very important that she be as fully informed as possible about this cheese she was considering. At one point, she and the deli person left the deli counter and walked to a different part of the store. To look at wine? Crackers? Who the fuck knows. The man whose turn was next was visibly irritated. This pleased me because sometimes I worry that I am just a sourpuss and that everybody else is perfectly content to let self-absorbed people like the cheese lady take full, full advantage of the services of the hapless people at the Whole Foods deli counter. Everybody else in the world is thinking, "Take your time; I'm in no hurry," while I'm inwardly screaming, "It's CHEESE. This is a SUPERMARKET. Get OVER yourself." So the two ladies came back from wherever they had gone and the cheese was purchased and the irritated man got to place his order. But then the self-absorbed cheese-buying lady returned and interrupted the irritated man's transaction. (He groaned audibly. He actually groaned. Thank you, irritated man, for restoring my faith in humanity.) The self-absorbed lady wanted to thank the deli person because she was so very pleased and certain that she had made the right decision in choosing this cheese, of all cheeses. CONGRATULATIONS.
I have been trying so hard not to spend money, and I really haven't bought much beyond basic necessities for the past few months. But now it is time to start Christmas shopping and I am TERRIBLE at Christmas shopping, because I will go into shops and become bewitched by the clever displays that practically force you to buy things and I will buy lots of things, thinking they are awesome gifts and then I will get home and realize THESE PRESENTS SUCK and I will have to go out and buy MORE things. So yesterday, I started Christmas shopping. I went to one of those downtown shops that sell nothing but useless items. I was browsing among the hideous jewelry and tchotchkes when I saw a SOLAR POWERED POPE. And I could immediately think of twenty people who need a solar powered pope. A solar-powered pope is a GODDAMNED NECESSITY. You see? Marketing.