Monday, October 12, 2015

Real Talk about Fall for Basic Bitches

Do you love fall?  Is it your favorite season?  Is it really?  That is so interesting. How are you going to celebrate this, the most savory of seasons?  Are you going to wear boots and chunky sweaters and scarves and cup your chilly hands around steaming mugs of tea?  Are you going to go to Whole Foods and buy one of those albino pumpkins and arrange it on a black-painted antique table with a few artfully drifting autumn leaves and then take a picture of it and post it to instagram? Are you going to imply to facebook that you baked an apple pie, even though you didn't because, fatty fat carbs? Are you going to walk swiftly through the Halloween candy aisle staring straight ahead with a fixed expression because it's super important that your legs stay skinny for legging season?  Are you going to roast marshmallows over a campfire, while wrapped in a plaid wool blanket and wearing nerdy heavy-rimmed glasses even though you can't possibly be nearsighted because you've never read a book in your entire life?  HAVE YOU HAD YOUR PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE YET?


PSL with mason jar of bittersweet berries

I was like you once.  I loved fall.  Want proof? Exhibit A: my my very own diary:

Fall is coming and I am happily planning my wardrobe. I ordered a turtleneck, corduroys, and a pair of tights from J. Crew. Mom is supposed to be getting me a skirt from J. Crew for my birthday. Ordering my fall clothes makes me feel so intellectual!  I can't wait for school.  It is much easer to read Shakespeare in a sweater.*

I wrote that on August 5th, 1988. So don't think you invented this fall-love nonsense. What were YOU doing in 1988? Probably wetting yourself, if you even existed.

Fall is no longer my favorite season.  It signals the coming of the Darkness, and the narrowing of the gap between today and the day that I sob into the cookie dough and scream, "I HATE CHRISTMAS."  I do it every year.  It's practically a ritual.  Maybe this year Santa will bring me some seratonin for Christmas.

Do you want to know why the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is so good?  Because it doesn't actually contain any pumpkin.  Because pumpkin and coffee are disgusting together.  The other day I went to a local coffee shop and ordered a "real" pumpkin spice latte.  An artisanal pumpkin spice latte if you will. It was....thick and not very good and the barista rolled her eyes when I ordered it. The Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is the one instance I can think of in which the bland, corporate chain's fake product is better than the real thing.  Every year I go to Starbucks and order a PSL. On a scale of zeto to basic, that ranks about a Gwyneth Paltrow but I'm not ashamed.  It's fucking delicious.

And pumpkin?  It tastes like library paste. Pumpkin is one of those foods, like tofu, that only tastes good if you add a bunch of shit to it. And then all you're tasting is the cinnamon or the brown sugar or whatever  is masking the pasty pumpkin flavor. I pinned a recipe for oatmeal pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and then realized that the results would be gross.  Chocolate and pumpkin will never work. Just stop with these chocolate-pumpkin recipes.  I had a pumpkin pie martini one time. I felt silly ordering it but I did it for science. It was vile. There's yet another thing pumpkin doesn't go well with: vodka.  And yet the pumpkin pie martinis persist.  I saw one in my instagram feed the other day and it looked gross.

Unfortunately, the sad conclusion to this post is that complaining about how basic it is to rhapsodize about fall is almost as basic as rhapsodizing about fall.  You just can't win where fall is concerned. Wake me in February.

*NOTHING is more cringeworthy than reading your old diary.  I can see why people burn the journals of their youth.

9 comments:

  1. I am so with you on the PSL. I made my own mix one year (of course I did) and while it turned out okay, it was chunky. I don't like chunks in my coffee. So when I do my Thanksgiving morning shopping at the Wegmans near my aunt's, I get myself my one PSL for the year.
    Despite fall being the time of college football, apples and my birthday, I don't enjoy it. In fact, I've never loved it. I'm a spring and summer girl - back to school means the end of wide open days, the coming of those short fall and winter days, cold weather that now means my knee locks up and yes, all that work that is Christmas. Wake me up in March.

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  2. PSA for basic bitches: You can brag about drinking only real ingredients in between boot and sweater scarf shopping because I think Starbucks actually changed their recipe this year and the PSL contains real pumpkin. Not that I'd know firsthand because the idea of pumpkin and coffee sounds so revolting that I haven't tried it. I got the Trader Joe's fishwrap last week and the entire issue was devoted to pumpkin.

    Fall is my favorite season but I don't do any of the basic, bloggable stuff because I'm too busy enjoying not sweating and eating all of the Halloween candy I bought before anyone catches me.

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  3. I have given strict instructions that my journals be burned upon my death.

    Also, you used the term 'fatty fat'! There was an Irish comedian years and years ago that did a stand up routine about Irish food, posing the question/Irish food descriptor in the bit 'Would you like some fatty fat with your fatty fat?' I have never been able to track that down, but it is a standard in our (very Irish) family now for decades.

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  4. Yup. This:

    "Fall is no longer my favorite season. It signals the coming of the Darkness, and the narrowing of the gap between today and the day that I sob into the cookie dough and scream, 'I HATE CHRISTMAS.'"

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  5. Ugh, fall. Oh, around here we get some lovely weather, not pistol-hot like summer, but last week kicks off our family birthday season, including mine, and then all those stressful expensive holidays. I used to like it but I just don't any more. And regular coffee with half-and-half, please.

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  6. I <3 you. You are my people. I don't like fall because of winter coming on its heels. I get enough wool and boots living in Wisconsin thankyouverymuch and call "pumpkin" flavored anything what it really is: allspice and cinnamon and nutmeg, damnit.
    Your post just made my night.

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  7. Well, I made pumpkin-white-chocolate-chip bread last weekend, and it was delicious. It was not healthy, though. I can't imagine putting pumpkin spices in my coffee, because anything sweet (like sugar) makes me gag if it's added to coffee. We live too far out in the country to put out any pumpkins or decorative gourds. No one would see them, and then the squirrels would eat them. But today we had a strong south wind, blowing the leaves off the trees, and I liked it. I embraced one of the last warm days we'll see, and enjoyed it. I'm not into pumpkin spice, but I do love fall. I enjoy the first snow, it's the snows in April that I can't stand.

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  8. I just smiled and snorted my way through this post. I love the smell of decomposing leaves (I might be weird) and thanks to cooler weather, the hot flashes that come in long waves and not flashes at all are just that: waves, not constantly hot with crests of miserable.
    My husband bought on-the-edge bananas on discount today and made banana bread... but with a lot less sugar than most of us require. It tasted like vile sandwich bread. Sometimes I wonder about that man...
    On August 5, 1988, I was attending a wedding for our closest couple-friends. (My dh and I had been married for exactly 5 months.)

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    Replies
    1. That's awesome that you can remember exactly what you were doing on that date!

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